Okay, so, here’s the thing… I’ve only been with him for a little over a month and I know I’m only 18 and that people, especially my family, will probably think I’m too young once it’s revealed to them but I can’t help it. I love him. Every time I think about him my days just become brighter. He is the most amazing person in the universe. That’s why when he asked me to be his wife I accepted in the blink of an eye. To be his wife would mean the world to me. But there is a catch. We are keeping the engagement a secret right now. He wants to wait until he is a little bit more financially stable and for us to have a little time on our relationship for us to make it “official.” I don’t have a ring from him yet but that doesn’t matter. I was never one to be materialistic. All I need is to know that we will be together forever. I just wish I could tell my best friend.
Photography by dont-hide-yourself-in-regret
Work has been kicking my ass lately. I’ve been set to do double work for the last few days since we have been short on employees. And my lead is just a fucking prick. All he cares about is staying next to his girlfriend who works there too. It’s like he has to be up her ass all the time. They both have different jobs too so I don’t even know why he helps her when he should be doing his job instead. And he’s annoying too. He thinks he runs the store but he’s just a middle aged drunk who thinks he’s funny for knocking down peoples work. I can’t wait ‘till I’ve saved enough to quite!!!!!!
Okay, I realize that you just had surgery and that you had to rest up a bit and all even if it ruins my Valentines day… But when you call me at 7pm asking me if I could let you have one of my old posters that I am getting rid of so you can pull a prank on one of your friends I can’t help but to be mad at you.
Instead of taking an hour of your day to spend Valentines day with me you are roaming around pulling pranks on people. Yeah, real nice!!!
Even when you came to pick the poster you wanted I was swept to the side. What does a girl have to do to get a little love? Am I just an experiment in your love life?
Oh look at me! I’m going to make this girl fall completely head over heels for me and then make her feel unimportant!!!
I feel like I could just fall asleep and never wake up again.
Last night I went silent. You asked me if everything was alright but I just nodded. I wasn’t alright. You knew it too. I’m just too stubborn to admit why I wasn’t speaking. Maybe because I didn’t want you to think I was too clingy or the fact that if I would have talked I would have started to cry.
The reason for my not speaking? Simple. I didn’t get to spend any time with you. Yeah, we saw each other all night but it wasn’t the same. When you picked me up I was fine. Then we got to your house and I stood around for the longest time wishing only to get a hug. I never got that hug as you told me to sit on the couch. I sat down and that was when I first felt ignored.
You went and cleaned up your kitchen while I sat in silence. I would see you pass the doorway every now and then but not long enough for you to notice me waiting for you. Then your parents came home and you were talking to them. I understand that being why you left me on the couch with nothing but a voice within. Later you told me that your mom used me as a starter excuse to start an argument with you. Another reason I was upset. I don’t ever want to be the reason for a fight with your parents.
I didn’t hear any of the argument thought. During this time I took out my itouch and started to listen to music. before your parents came in I felt like country so I listened to Brad Paisley’s Then. As I listened to the lyrics I watched you walk past the doorway for you to appear. There was a moment when you past when I thought about that question you had asked me last Saturday. You know the one. The one where you asked me to be your wife. I kept thinking to myself, “Wow, that is my fiance. My future husband. I am the luckiest person in the world.” As I thought this I wanted nothing more than to feel your lips against mine. I never got that kiss. That was when your parents interrupted and a that argument began. It made me sad though because you want to keep our engagement a secret. I understand that we are young and we have only been together for a little over a month but I just wish I could share my happiness with my best friend.
After that you had to go pick up the others for bible studies. I went with you. As we walked out of your house I held out my hand to hold yours but you didn’t notice and just walked off to your car. I felt really sad right then. So sad that I didn’t talk. The first of the silent evening. You asked if everything was okay again. You mentioned that I was quiet. I just nodded that I was fine so that I wouldn’t show how sad I truly was. We continued to pick up everyone. I avoided eye contact with you which in not normal for me but I couldn’t look at you. I knew what would happen later that night. I knew that I would continue to be ignored again just like last Monday and the one before that. I hate Mondays.
Later that night we had the bible studies. There was a moment when you asked me what was wrong. I gave you a lie. Well, more so I stretched the truth. I told you it was my friend who I was worried about. It was true that I was worried about her but it was a lie that that was the reason for me acting the way I was.
You chose to let us watch the movie Joseph to teach us about his story. This was the first movie that we have watched at your house where we didn’t sit on our spot on the couch. Instead I sat on the school chair. You sat next to me and put your arm around me. I felt a little bit better then until I got really uncomfortable. My lower back was hurting from the chair.
After the studies you took everyone home. Your two friends told me that I had to stay and learn how to play that game you always play with them. The one that I really could care less about. When you came back I stopped paying attention to said friend and gave it to you. You didn’t return the thought as you went over to the couch with your laptop. I sat next to you in hoped that you would do something. Give me a smile, brush my hair, anything. That never happened. You put your computer away and went to play cards with your friend. I stayed on the couch and held back tears.
It was getting late and you still gave your full attention to your game. I just sat there in silence listening to music. I tried to hint to you that I wasn’t feeling the least bit cheerful. I played every depressing song I could find on my itouch. I guess you just didn’t notice. I was ignored all throughout the game until your friend had to go to work. I had to use every bit of my willpower to hold in the tears. I know what this meant and you only confirmed it when you said that you were taking me home after we dropped him off work. My thoughts were of how I hated this night even more than the last Monday’s. Again I stayed silent through the drive.
Then you did it again. As we were leaving you parked your car. You told me that you wanted to spend some time with me. My heart felt lighter when you said that. I even hinted to you why I was upset by stating that other than picking people up we had only spend about 30 seconds alone together all day.
We stayed in that parking lot for a little while before you took me home. It took us thirty minuets to say goodbye in your car. It was the only time I enjoyed myself all day. I don’t know what this makes me. Am I too clingy or do I just have some serious abandonment issues. I thought about this in the car. I even told you that you are the only man in my life who has yet to leave me at some point in my life.
Who knows what this means. All I know is that after you left I stayed up for a while cuddling myself in your jacket and wishing that we only had more time. When it turned to Valentines day I could only thing about how we would not see each other due to your surgery. I didn’t tell you this but I wished you would have asked me to go with you. But oh well. I’m used to being swept off to the side.
